Vaginismus Resources for when sex is painful and your feeling weary:
Every sex resource should come with a disclaimer like this: Everyone’s painful sex journey is different because everyone’s body is different. What worked for me or what worked for your friend from Mommy Pilates might not work for you, which is probably why “fixing” Vaginismus can feel so challenging and isolating sometimes. Everyone’s “fix” can be different.
Here’s what I know after having Vaginismus on and off for 12 years: Intimacy does not need to be painful. It can be beautiful, fun, and wonderful.
This is the moment where you take a big relaxing breath and offer yourself some grace and redefine your idea of intimacy (it’s not just a P in V thing!).
I’d encourage you to approach this resource list with an open hand, willing to try what you feel comfortable trying, inviting your partner into whatever feels safe, shame-free, and fun for both of you.
Two of the biggest Vaginismus resources for me were mindset shifts:
1. One of the most important things I learned about sex is that it’s important to relax your mind and body. To stop judging yourself for how long it takes for you to get excited to orgasm. To stop getting anxious about when the sex will hurt. To stop wondering if your partner is turned off by your curves or stretch marks. To stop running through your mental To Do list while making out. If these feel like big mental mountains to climb, I recommend seeing a therapist or counselor who can help you sort through your fears, anxieties that make your body clench up (you might not even realize your body is tight), previous traumas, and premeditated notions you have about sex. If you have Vaginismus, I recommend you see a therapist to feel less alone and to help you sort out the emotions and beliefs (about your worth, your partner, and your body) that will come up because of it.
2. Embrace that you’re sexy and are worthy of having sex (maybe even orgasms!). It’s hard (that’s what she said) when you grow up in a conservative environment like I did to even consider that you’re allowed to be sexy. Your body has constantly been the blame for men stumbling, so you’ve been told to keep it covered or to make it less appealing (this is a very problematic issue in the Church in my opinion). And now that you’re having sex, it might be harder to embrace that you are sexy. What I’m learning twelve years into my marriage is that I am sexy and it’s okay to be sexy, I just wish it wouldn’t have taken me twelve years of having sex to come to terms with that.
It’s also totally okay to figure out what sexy is or isn’t for you. You don’t have to be some crazy sex kitten now that you’re having sex. But your sexiness and beautifulness is not a bad thing and it never has been, despite what you’ve been told.
Vaginismus Resources:
FIRST, I want you to invest in a lovely lovely big bottle of lube. If you were as new to sex as I was, you might have showed up to your wedding night not knowing that lube is your sexy-time happy juice and attempting orgasms without it might really hurt. It’s not shameful to use lube and if you want things to slip and slide around quite a bit easier, put lube on everything. Your vaginal entrance, inside your vagina (if you or your partner can get a finger in there), your partner’s penis or finger or cliteris). Starting out, I’d recommend a basic water-based lube, not one with “heat” or “tingles”.
1. As a photographer, I always encourage my clients who are nervous about posing to practice in a mirror. Mirrors help us get a better idea of what we actually look like when we pop a knee out or put our hands on our hips. I think the same goes for embracing your sexiness. If you feel comfortable doing so, research some boudoir poses (for natural bodies or plus size) and, when you’re alone, practice those sexy poses in a mirror to try out your sexiness and experience it for yourself. If this sounds incredibly wild to you, maybe just start by looking in a mirror clothed or naked and notice what is sexy about yourself.
2. Have your partner point out all the things they think are sexy or beautiful about you. You can do the same for them if they’d like that! I find this super helpful if you have a bunch of negative self-talk and are afraid of being seen naked.
3. If lingerie is something you or your partner would enjoy, get some loose lingerie that doesn’t feel uncomforable. It’s hard to relax your body when it feels constricted and in my experience, most lingerie isn’t actually comfortable. Some examples for ya: For Love & Lemons, Moxy Intimates, and even basic silky sets from Amazon. I’m much more likely to reach for loose sheer items that don’t hug areas of my body I’m insecure about. And my body is also much more likely to relax and enjoy itself. I even found a long flowy sheer cape that makes me look like a sexy Rivendale elf in Lord of the Rings. I’m comfy, cozy, and into what my body looks like. That’s what most important for you and me.
4. The biggest resource that helped me be able to have vaginal sex for the first time, is a menstrual cup. I was interested in trying them out because it seemed like I would have to deal with them less than pads or tampons. I found that the first time I put one in, it was uncomfortable, but not so uncomfortable I couldn’t handle it. After having it in for a few hours, I felt my muscles tighten less and after having it in for a week, I found I was better at relaxing/pushing out my pelvic floor. This was actually some of the best physical therapy I could have done for myself to learn to relax and to help my muslces relax. If you try a menstrual cup, take big deep breaths the first time you insert it. And make sure you break the suction on the cup before taking it out. If you want to start first with inserting in tampons, that’s a good place to start. With tampons and menstrual cups, remember it’s okay to really stick them up in there. That’s how they will feel most comfortable.
5. Dilators. A common recommended therapy. But let’s talk about these. About a month after getting married and trying to have wonderfully painful sex, I got my dilators in the mail. I was told to insert them in on a daily basis because our muscles in our vagina need to be worked out on a daily basis. For me, this ended up being very discouraging and painful. And I felt so alone in my vaginismus. Inserting something into my vagina when I wasn’t relaxed or turned on just wasn’t helpful. I incorporated these with daily baths and the heat from the water helped some, but for me, these didn’t stretch me out as much as I thought they would because I didn’t realize that the best time to insert them in was pre or post-orgasm when I was most relaxed. I wish I had made these more of a partner activity with my husband instead of attempting to do them on my own. *It’s worth noting, that if you are comfortable with masturbating, inserting these in when you are stimulated might be easier. I chose to only be stimulated by my partner, so using dilators on my own was very challenging. As I always say—- don’t do anything that brings shame.
6. While many doctors may recommend dilators and I certainly think they are worth trying, I would recommend inserting in different sized vibrators as an alternative. While some may be comfortable doing this alone, my husband and I opted for him to be present for this. I found the vibrations numbed me a bit down there and allowed me to leave them in longer. Once again, I encourage you to do what makes you feel comfortable. I felt shame about buying vibrators, but once I saw how helpful they were and how they were only making our sex life better, I felt very comfortable incorporating them into our sex life. Now they are a very regular part of our sex life and I have zero shame using them because they bring us both pleasure.
7. Numbing cream. You can ask your gynocologist to prescribe this! One of my best friends was having painful sex and found that numbing cream before sex helped her feel less pain.
8. Botox. I have a co-worker who saw multiple gynocologists before one recommended she get botox on her hoohaw. While I don’t understand the science of how this works, it really does work for some people and would be worth asking your gynocologist about.
9. Pelvic Floor Therapy is probably the number one way I hear of women having the most success in learning to relax their body and completely eliminate pain during sex. This therapy is MADE for this. It’s a safe space for you to share about your pain and to learn exercises to eleminate it. While I never had pelvic floor therapy, I think I would have benefited from going to it immediately after I got married (we were so poor and didn’t have the resources for this, but if we had, I think it would have been so so helpful to do). If you have a Gynocologist who does not take your request to find a Physical Therapist seriously, ditch that doctor immediately.
10. Get a Vaginimsus Coach! Somebody who’s actually been through it. They are all over social media!
11. Find a community. Vaginismus can be a very sensitive topic- I like to encourage women who have it to find someone they love, trust, and won’t judge them or try to fix them as someone to confide in and walk this journey with. If you ever need to sit and be heard, I’m happy to listen, empathize, and hold your hand (virtually or in person).
12. See a therapist or get counseling. The most impactful part of Vaginismus for me is the emotional part. This felt so heavy and so isolating for so long. It was so helpful to talk to a licensed counselor and even just have encouragement from her.
Reading Material for any human wanting to engage in sex (especially if you come from a conservative sex background):
Come as You Are (for all faith backgrounds).
The Great Sex Rescue (for Christian/Evangelical backgrounds).
Any basic sex book that teaches you how sex works.
Moan (if you are actively saving yourself for marriage, I would recommend reading this book after you’re married; this is great for women of all faith backgrounds) to witness many women’s stories of how they enjoy having sex.
She Deserves Better (for Christian Moms wanting to teach their daughters about sex without the purity culture trauma).