Relationships | The Conversation We Wish We'd Had When We First Got Married

When I asked Brett what conversation he wished we’d had in our first few years of marriage, his answer didn’t surprise me. Because it was my answer too. We both wish we would have communicated more about how destructive my anger outbursts were. They would come out of nowhere, were challenging to navigate, and we both wish we’d have known how to talk about it, instead of passively and hurtfully allowing it to happen.

We would be right in the middle of laughing till we cried in a snuggle fest, and, all of a sudden, without much notice, I would be erupting into an anger tornado about how upset I was with myself, my circumstances, or something Brett said. 

Me, the anger tornado. Brett the guy trying to find shelter or trying to pretend there’s not a tornado at all. 

Where did this surprise anger come from? Why did it feel like neither of us could see it coming? 

I’m guessing all the roommates I lived with in college only experienced snippets of my anger tornado, and probably experienced the passiveness of my anger regularly without knowing how to talk to me about it. But it never came up in conversation with them and I didn’t realize it motivated and guided me so much, so I never addressed it or apologized for how it hurt them. And, of course, I brought that into my marriage because everybody brings something messed up into their marriages or relationships. Only, over time, it went from snippets to full force. 

So my marriage started and went on for years, with myself or my husband unable to answer the what or the why behind what I called my “tantrums”, which is a very frustrating title to give to my own actions, especially when we usually refer to toddler’s as the ones who have tantrums. I was referring ot my own actions as ridiculous and childish….

Until…

… I started learning about the Enneagram, about five years into my marriage. And you’ve heard me say it before, but I’ll say it again. It drastically changed how my husband and I interact. 

I am what they call a Peacemaker, but the motivations of a Peacemaker are, ironically, rooted in anger. Peacemakers try SO hard to keep the peace within themselves, with others, with their families, their spouses, that when they get overwhelmed with keeping the peace, their anger can and will erupt. 

As I started learning about the enneagram, Brett did too. We learned it’s important for me to identify why I am upset, and whether or not I’m upset about the issue right in front of us or if I’m actually upset about a series of incidents between us. Usually, it’s a series of incidents I’ve let quietly annoy me or I’ve been unsure of why they make me mad, so I sit on them until I can’t stand it anymore. 

This isn’t a helpful way to handle anger, but it was SO healing to understand why I always feel tension in myself between my desire for peace and my reality of having conflict with others. When I look back over old journal entries, I see this come up in my relationships over and over and over again. 

So, for our early years of marriage, in my brokenness, I would have my anger expolosions (word vomits) on Brett. 

And, In his brokenness, we’ve learned that for years he just wanted to tune out that anger. To be silent. To think the best course of action was to not respond, which only hurt me more. I would feel helpless, angry, as if I was ruining our marriage, and sad I could never see an explosion coming.  While he has always been incredibly gentle with me— he admits he took on a very passive role in something that was very negatively coming between us. 

Nowadays, he has been willing to lean into understanding where my anger comes from and in the moment helps me identify why I’m upset, or asks me to consider if I can even recognize who and what I’m upset with. The small prompts he gives me when I get upset, remind me I might not even be upset with Brett or that I don’t need to be. The enneagram helped my already gentle husband, know how to be all the more gentle with me. It gave him tools to communicate with me when I found myself in unhealthy cycles. 

I am also so much more able to address conflict when it’s happening, gently and quickly, so I don’t hold it all in. I have to recognize that I am not responsible to keep peace all the time in myself or between myself and others. Bringing up conflict doesn’t mean peace is over. It actually leads to more understanding and listening. And I’m grateful to have grown in this. It has changed our marriage in ways I will always be grateful for. 

Here are a few phrases and questions we have learned to communicate to one another that might be helpful to you in your relationships or marriage when dealing with anger, especially if you are or are married to an Enneagram 9.

Are you familiar with the Enneagram? How has it helped you navigate your relationships in a healthier way?

I’d love to hear from you in the comment,

Stacie