10 Practical ways to be a Safe Space for Someone With Vaginismus:

Did a friend or family member just nervously or tentatively confide to you that they have vaginismus? Well congrats you Safe-Space-of-a-Human, you’re a trustworthy son of a gun. Go ahead and give yourself a big ole pat “well done” on the back. Now get ready to be a really supportive friend.

When I first found out I had Vaginismus my initial feelings were confusion, discouragement, deep loneliness, and a panic to fix it quickly. Most people I confided in didn’t know how to respond (especially coming from a conservative religious community where most of my friends were still virgins and sex wasn’t a topic most of us were discussing in our early 20’s). Anyone I did tell treated it as if it was a huge problem that needed to be fixed immediately. I’ve heard so many stories of women having Vagisnismus and silently struggling with it, and I hate that they feel so alone.

Here are 10 Practical Ways to be a Safe Space for Someone With Vaginismus:(these are ways I wish people would have responded to me when I first confided in them):

1. Do some research. Firstly, go ahead and educate yourself on Vaginismus like five minutes ago so you don’t have to ask them “What’s Vaginismus?” and make them feel even more isolated and alone than they already feel. I’ve been there, and it can feel really awkward to share about what it is (sometimes saying “painful sex” is hard to admit; having to explain that the “Vagin” in the “inismus” part is referring to a Vagina is just so uncomfortable to share— especially if you’re chatting in public). I have a resources guide at the end of this list! You might find it super helpful!

2. Know your role, use your ears. Like in many instances where someone shares about something sensitive, traumatic, and overwhelming going on in their lives— You are first a listener; not a fixer. And you might always just need to be a listener when it comes to this person and Vaginismus. Hear their story. Ask appropriate follow up questions. Give empathy (not pity). Find out how this whole thing with Vaginsmsus makes them feel.

3. Be near, not far. Let them know their feelings are real and you can’t imagine the hurt they are feeling (because you can’t)— but let them know you’re here for them and they don’t have to walk this alone.

4. Support them. Do you know the best way to move from listener to supporter/encourager/confidant? Ask your friend how you can support them through their vaginismus.  Tell them that you care about being a space they can feel safe sharing about it in. Whenever they need to share. Ask them how often they are comfortable with you following up on it (sometimes it can feel overwhelming to have a friend constantly asking about it as if it’s the only thing important happening in their life or the only thing that brings them worth)

5. [Asking Good] Questions are your Besties for the Resties. In fact, when it comes to many traumatic things, asking questions is a really big gift you can give your friend! Spitting information at them or trying to fix their problem will only make them feel like a project or will come across as if you are trying to erase their pain. Questions help them feel seen, heard, cared for.

6. Some question ideas: This sounds like a lot to process, what feelings are coming up for you as you’ve been sharing with me? How is this impacting your day to day life? Your Marriage? Have you talked this through with others— how did they respond? What are your biggest hopes as you move forward with Vaginismus?

7. Read the room. As someone who is educated on Vaginismus, you can encourage them that individuals with Vaginismus have so much support these days than they used to. If it feels appropriate after your conversation with them, you can ask them if it’s okay if you discuss a few resources. When we ask permission about such sensitive topics, we are giving space to our friends to say yes or no. Maybe sharing with you was the big step they took today. Some will want to talk about the path forward and some won’t be ready yet.

8. What resources do they know about? Ask them if they know of any resources for vaginismsus. You can suss out what they know here. Frankly, there’s a lot of crappy information coming from some Gynocologists that needs to be addressed. If the person across from you has said their Gyno recommends “tylenol and lots of wine” to address their vaginismus, you can start by suggesting they find a different Gyno immediately. This is a very common Gyno response to Vaginismus or fear of pain during sex.

9. Offer to carry a portion of their load. Offer to help them find a doctor, therapist, health professional, or pelvic floor specialist who really cares. Vaginismus takes a lot of mental energy to work through on a daily basis. It feels like something that should be fixed quickly because the desire to have sex is immediate. But that’s not necessarily how it works, which means it continues to suck daily energy. Offering to help them find a Gyno who is highly recommended by women who have had painful sex is a gift you can give your friend. Or helping them find a pelvic floor specialist! Researching or sending them referrals can go a long way.

10. Send them on over to my Vaginimsus Resources page. There is so much content there that is meant to be helpful— it’s not designed to overwhelm but to help them move forward practically. If you have the energy and time to go over it with them. Do that. Ask them what resource stands out to them.

    Bonus Tip: Keep loving them. Invest in all areas of their life— not just vaginismus. Don’t ask them how vaginismus is going. Ask them how their relationship with their partner is and how intamacy is going— because they might be having great intimacy despite having vaginismus. Honor them if they decide they don’t always want to talk about it. Just keep loving them and showing up for them. Be the friend they might not have in anyone else.